Saturday, March 20, 2010

Tiny Dancer:
a true blue jean baby.

The stigmatized, unappreciated worth of

diminutive girth...
...demoralized gravity
...demonized graphically through,

pieces of paper pontificating propaganda,

a propos of

forever forbidden
...failing phallic fragility
...finite and futile feasibilities,

never to

productively participate in pounding...
...potential positions
...of pleasure.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Old feelings foreshadow all too well

I wrote this in April or May 2009. More appropriate now than at the time of writing, I re-post. More important than protecting family members from worry is that perhaps someone can relate.



Whisper No More


slightest brush; weightless breath; uncalculated bump
unequivocally pinned by your wit
you whisper into my heart,
the rush so doomed for future pain, yet perfect in the moment


the long-awaited quenching
hallucination of haldol. what congenial fantasy is this?
must I near metaphorical suicide to prove this faith to a manufactured demigod of love


the fool, as the haze hales capricious clarity, is it I whose image the reflection reveals?
must I confess these celestial spheres to be my own contrived paradise?
reveal this reality’s true construction
for I have misread for what I want to see
the unadulterated reciprocation
your defense? superfluous still in the face of my present misinterpretation.


pain pours disproportionately promptly from this point of perpendicular pleasure
genuine sincerity, obligatory congeniality, visceral courage –
what drug must rush your veins, how heavy the wrecking ball!
god let something inside of you give you the empathy to hold this stare
for I need you to pull this sting from me.
my trust in you escapes with every throbbing beat
yet this magnet pushes for a compatible fit.
You relay the radioactive decay of this precarious bond with no peculiar dismay.
I will not disobey the script of this twisted ballet with me cast as your prey.


the returned stare I once yearned for.
try to find me; I promise I am there.
the fog clears; a homecoming for deceit is revealed.
recognize it? touch it. cold and inflexible is stares back.
is it I? no.
it is you who stares back. alone in the mirror.


no me to temper the stigma.
stare back into me and the mirror will crack.
But will this bad luck ever truly bring me back?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Turning Over a Gargantuan Maple Leaf

Greetings. Time has flown; and now it will have to land in another location as I change my subscription to a new address.

I will capture this update in 10 words or fewer:

Futility and resignation, rejection yet inspiration, new city, new job.

After more frustration than I can relay in this space, perhaps I shall dare to write a chapter in an extended memoir someday, the decision to resign from Teach for America was reached.

After nearly a quarter century, and the development of the pre-frontal cortex is complete, one might think that he would have quite an excellent understanding of the mechanisms fueling his planning and decision-making processes. However, he would be wrong.

While outwardly an obviously extroverted person, my internalization of life concerns, serious quandaries, and troubles is really quite extreme. Therefore, when I shared with my roommates my letter of resignation without previously having discussed the aforementioned openly, they were quite surprised to say the least. Shocking the threesome again, my decision to move to D.C. hit them hard - ranging from an emotional hurt denial to a chill nod of the head.

Lesson learned:

Thinking it ≠ Saying it.

Sunday brings a big move. For the time being I shall house myself under the roof of hospitable family friends and will interview to the best of my abilities with two organizations next week.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Fighting Cultural Defeat: Let Your Feet Meet the Beat

(Favorite current song: Echo by Gorilla Zoe)

I wanted to edit and add to the piece I posted a couple of months ago. Rethinking this dance in a context outside of the intimate lounge in which it occurred, I have extended the metaphor into the realm of cultural differences defined along lines of gender, race, class, sexual orientation, disability, etc.


From the speakers to the floor to your feet to your heart, the bass sends you into cardiac arrest faster than a 70-year-old on speed. Logic lost to passion, hips to the beat, your everything is seduced by the scarcely lit, sophisticated hideaway. The DJ spins the table hard, transitioning seamlessly as one beat flows into the next. God of the alcoholic waterfall, the bartender releases a biblical flow of charismatic cocktails.

The dance floor? Impossibly empty. Indeed, potential performers abound, however, all seem powerless to contest the vacant abyss. Carefully, an inspired group of males form a dancing crescent moon, their solidarity protecting them from the social anathema of dancing alone.

Plagued by the perilous rhythm, the urge to resist can no longer subsist. With a swing of the hips and a suggestive hand, I tempt a friend into the heart of the musical inferno. Heat burning from the eyes of the crowd sets our pores ablaze, but we care not. Our bodies are overwhelmed with the universal music; our minds wonder whether all consider the dance floor, let alone the establishment, an exclusive arena. The tempo just barely prohibits our modest unease surrounding our too obviously unique appearances. For beyond claiming the sole bodies on the dance floor, we also share the possibly burdensome role of the lone White individuals among the primarily African-American clientele.

As the night progresses, performers emerge from lurking in safer shadows and make their way to center circle. A soft brush upon my left shoulder beckons for my attention. Turning my head to meet my admirer, the words “time to battle” caress my ear. A challenge awaits. A crew? Yes, I came with-- ah, a dance cr-, yes, well I-. Pick someone?-- Before I process what has transpired, I have entered my first dance battle. The first challenger is chosen; indeed sir, time to battle.

Kicking, bouncing, sliding and gliding, his feet carry him onto the floor. The rhythmic motion is smooth but repetitive. Unclear on the logistics of dance battles, I hesitantly inquire as to the exact timing of my turn. A familiar tap on the shoulder and now it is I who stands to show the crowd my rhythmic prowess. “Go girl!” sails above the beat, “Get it girl!” What is more? The dancing itself or the shock factor that the body is white? No time to consider; only for I to meet the beat that it speaks.

Turns are taken and the finale awaits. Foreign to the proceedings, I am shaken by the presence of two members of the opposing crew sharing the floor with my original challenger. With neither an official rules handbook on dance battles nor a referee, I am clueless as to the merit of a one-on-one skirmish transitioning into a two-on-one affair.
No matter.

One opponent leaps with sky high jumping jacks while another drops to the floor to push up against the pounding. Inspired by their athletic motions, I jump in, completing a triangle at the center of the room. With a jumping jack of my own I dive downwards onto the ground, only to push it away. I break out a fish flop move and find myself on my back. Wearied by the lactic acid rushing my thighs, I hope to God that I can successfully complete the sequence. Push, thrust, kick! My body projects upwards and I land on my feet. The rush of adrenaline can only be pacified by a smooth 360° spin and the relief that I have triumphed.

Upon first sight, most might have labeled me an outsider, including myself. As we walked into the lounge only a couple of hours before, I had wondered if the establishment would accept us. Would we be ignored? Shunned? Judged? A test of the unknown crowd’s approval would prove my initial judgment of the majority as exclusive and me as too uncommon, wrong. Filling the place of distrust and uncertainty, musical harmony and improved cultural confidence surfaced through a challenge of motion and rhythm.

Do not mistake my point, I do not propose that history books decades from now dedicate a chapter to World War IV: the Epic Dance Battle, 2009-2014. Nevertheless, I do argue that the uncertain fear, terrifying apprehension, and threatening dissimilarity that is inherent in cultural difference is too often confronted through ironically non-confrontational solutions. Encouraging a culturally-blind approach to social issues, whether it be color-blind, gender-blind, or otherwise, does not represent a long-term solution to conflicts with centuries of strife behind and before them.

The alleviation of tension related to social difference will not be achieved through resolutions centering on the production of the invisibility of social differences. No solution that so blatantly misjudges the value in these differences as solely conflict-rousing evils will serve us well. Indeed, the most paralyzing fear of all is the fear of cultural fear itself. Admittedly, some of the most daunting, challenging, painful, and uncomfortable experiences come from confronting our fear of cultural difference. Too often do we succumb to the powerful negative emotions associated with overcoming this fear. Unfortunately, this ultimate submission to the fear of exploring variations in humanity rob us of the tremendous intellectual influence, artistic development, and simple joys that only bridging cultural divides can produce. We have admitted fear of social difference, as millions in deaths and millennia in wars verify; this fear must end; we know its perils too well and it must be renounced.

The rhythm of difference continues to beat, but it remains unanswered. Too often and too long has it been ignored, suppressed, and made invisible. It is time to battle: turn up the volume; pick a challenger; simultaneously terrifying and yet infinitely enlightening, we must meet the beat that the rhythm speaks.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Last Post

My last post reads like an idealistic, unrealistic, dreamy joke to me. I will update soon.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

It is pretty amazing really how little time is left until the summer. Although the weeks may seem slow one-by-one, blended together, it is unbelievable how quickly this year is rushing by. Indeed, summer does not seem close enough at times, but once it is here, our anticipated relief and release from the shackles of school may actually be more of a reflective longing and unexpected nostalgia. Only time will tell how we will really feel on that last day; on that evening when we will all sit together outside somewhere, thinking about how the past 10 months have meant different things to each of us, but to all of us an experience hard to explain, yet filled with a present and perhaps future lifetime’s inspiration.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Dance Battle! - i.e. last night

From the speakers to the floor to your feet to your heart, the bass sends you into cardiac arrest faster than a 70-year-old on speed. Logic lost to passion, hips to the beat, your everything is seduced by the scarcely lit, sophisticated hideaway. The DJ spins the table hard, transitioning seamlessly as one beat flows into the next. God of the alcoholic waterfall, the bartender releases a biblical flow of charismatic cocktails.

The dance floor? Impossibly empty. Indeed, potential performers abound, however, all seem powerless to contest the vacant abyss. Carefully, an inspired group of males form a dancing crescent moon, their solidarity protecting them from the social awkwardness of dancing alone.

The beat begins to stir my feet; I can no longer contain the urge to resist. Tempting a friend with a swing of the hips and a suggestive hand, I lead a friend into the middle of the musical inferno. Heat burning from the eyes of the crowd sets our pores ablaze, but we care not. Our bodies overwhelmed with the universal music, our minds wonder whether all consider the dance floor, let alone the establishment, an exclusive arena. We are not simply the sole beings on the dance floor, but very clearly a part of the small percentage of White individuals in a business frequented by primarily African-American clientele.

As the night progresses, performers who had previously lurked in safer shadows make their way to center circle. A soft brush upon my left shoulder beckons for my attention. Turning my head to meet my admirer, the words “time to battle” caress my ear. A challenge awaits. A crew? Yes, I came with-- ah, a dance cr-, yes, well I-, pick someone? Long before I realize, I have entered my first dance battle. I choose my first enemy.

Kicking, bouncing, sliding, his feet carry him onto the floor. The rhythmic motion is smooth but repetitive. Unclear on the logistics of dance battles, I hesitantly inquire as to the exact timing of my turn. A familiar tap on the shoulder and now it is I who stands to show the crowd my rhythmic prowess. “Go girl!” sails above the beat, “Get it!” What is more? The dancing itself or the shock factor that the body is white? No time to consider; only for I to meet the beat that it speaks.

Turns are taken and the finale awaits. Foreign to the proceedings, I am shaken by the presence of two members of the opposing crew sharing the floor. One leaps with sky high jumping jacks, while the other drops to the floor to push up against the pounding. Inspired by their athletic motions, I jump in, completing a triangle at the center of the room. With a jumping jack of my own I dive downwards, only to push it away. I break out a fish flop move and find myself on my back. Wearied by the lactic acid rushing my thighs I hope to God that I can successfully complete the sequence. Push, thrust, kick! My body projects upwards and I land on my feet. The rush of adrenaline can only be pacified by the relief that I have triumphed.

As we walked into the lounge only a couple of hours before, I wondered if the establishment would accept us. Would we be ignored? Shunned? Judged? A dance battle earning the respect of the crowd later, and the cultural plunge has been completely successfully. Indeed, upon first sight all would have labeled me an outsider, including myself; however, a test of the unknown crowd’s approval would prove my initial judgment of them as exclusive and me as too uncommon, wrong. Next time I take a cultural plunge, I shall not hesitate to bridge the gap.